michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no.82)

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it’s been a while since we have spoken in this way…  i’ve been in the midst of heavily studying.  of course, there have been some roadblocks, some mistakes and some happier moments- all learning lessons.  there’s just so much to tell you, i don’t even know where to begin.  well, right now i’m a bit sick; i’ve caught this cough.  it’s been going around.  hopefully i won’t be coughing as much (or at all) this week-end, as that’s when the thrillerdance happens; you know, the one when people do the dance all around the world at the same time.  i think you saw one of those once, right?

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i get a bit frustrated doing this event, even though i know i shouldn’t be…  one of the things you have taught is far from a new theory:  in order to be good at something, you must practise.  all.  the.  time.  you must let the practise seep inside of you.  you must be invested in the study.  in terms of this dance; when i am not doing other forms of study, or working, i practise.  even if people tell me i am good, i know i will be better if i just keep doing it.  one thing you said is: ‎”The greatest education in the world is watching the masters at work.”  i watch you.

the other thing you said was: “In the end, the most important thing is to be true to yourself and those you love and work hard. Work like there’s no tomorrow. Train. Strive. Really train and cultivate your talent to the highest degree. Be the best at what you do. Get to know more about your field than anybody alive. Use the tools of your trade, if it’s books or a floor to dance on or a body of water to swim in. Whatever it is, it’s yours. That’s what I’ve always tried to remember.”  i take those words very seriously.

which is why it frustrates me…  from my vantage point it’s as if people do not take your art seriously…  it’s like they look at it as a novelty, based on this one song- or should i say, album.  i just think of how many people ask me if i can ‘moonwalk’.

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i suppose this is what frustrates me more than anything…  it’s not that others don’t see you in the same way i do (even though that would be nice).  it’s that people narrow you down into one aspect of your whole life/career…  and so hearing comments about ‘thriller’ being on someone’s compilation, or that ‘billie jean’ was played at a party…  there’s no real opportunity they’ve given themselves to learn about your teachings.

is my frustration unwarranted?  i have no idea.  i just know i feel this way.  again, it’s a very lonely place to be a student.  dedicating your life to something in a world where we’re encouraged to be casual about everything contributes to loneliness.  and yes, i am doing my best to connect with others who may be students with the same amount of intensity.  but rarely, if ever, is there a continued connection.  i wonder if it’s something i’m doing wrong, or is the intensity too much for even them?

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yes, i have married myself to the teachings, so i can eventually BECOME the teachings.  this does not require an isolation from the outside world; but as you know that world can be a cruel and scary place.  i have resigned myself to the fact that people may not understand my dedication.  people laugh, shrug their shoulders, wonder why i do what i do…  however, being in the outside world, i get frustrated, because i feel alone. it’s as if i am utilizing a double-consciousness:  working to be myself, yet working to make compromises in a world which does not understand.  i feel like a stranger in this world sometimes.

is this an aspect of ‘human nature’? perhaps one day all of this will make sense.

love, jamilah

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About jamilah

i am here to spread the teachings of michael (and the joy of cats) around the world. this blog is essentially a series of conversations with my teacher, and one form (out of many possibilities) of therapy through expression of words.
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