i keep having these dreams which involve people i know, and i cannot figure out the significance. it’s as if it’s a cross between being trapped and being free in spontaneous moments. it makes total sense, as this is how i feel right now.
in one of the dreams i run into someone i know and haven’t seen in a long time. he invites me to his house (which is a huge brownstone) and is filled with people of all generations entering and exiting. music (coming from a small turntable on the floor) permeates the long hallway; a tall stack of records stands beside the turntable.this person who suddenly entered my life again and i excitedly run around the rooms in the house, singing and giggling.
the other dream i had involved a person who i know today. the both of us were among a group of people who were drafted in some sort of military camp. we were to be in this camp for at least a week, i believe. i remember the mention of “5 more days” at several points in the dream. food was very crucial in this dream; people were eating sandwiches on a bus. i remember opening and closing a refrigerator. i specifically remember the group we were in having olive-green shirts with numbers stitched on the collars. they were five-digit numbers. 11995, something to that effect. we were not to separate from anyone in this group for the remainder of our time in this camp. before i woke up from the dream, i remember my compatriot saying “we have five days and (…) hours to go…”
before the most recent dream i had trouble sleeping. i have been feeling so lonely, trying to exist in a world where people don’t necessarily like to engage in deep conversations. where dialogs end up in unnecessary arguments. where people take someone’s opinions personally. a world where, if you choose to expose the not-so-pretty side of things, you are simply being ‘negative’.
admittedly, i enjoy having a good debate or two… or three. but it’s got to be had with someone who is willing to have them just the same. i end up experiencing a massive wave of disappointments because so many take what i have to say as an attack on their interests; which is not the case at all. i am debating the merits of art, politics and such. if i do not know a person it makes no sense to personally attack someone. it’s as if people are offended by what i have to say because they don’t want to engage in the same way.
i don’t necessarily adhere to the concept of ‘the good old days’; however, i miss the times when people actually wrote essays and people discussed them at length, instead of one-sentence comments…. the days when the merits of art were actually picked apart and dissected. when strangers spontaneously came up in the middle of a debate and contributed with something absolutely enthralling.
i’m always struggling in this world because i’m not sure if this is how the world runs anymore. it’s difficult for me to keep up. there’s very few people i have long conversations with anymore. people apparently ‘don’t have time’. we all share the same 24 hours though.
i have so many people telling me i need to not expend so much energy on people who are not willing to give the same energy. i concur, to a point. my idealism gets in the way. i refuse to believe that people are stupid, or choose to remain ignorant. it’s like i know that people are going to wake up out of a stupor and deprogram themselves. i used to think humans were inherently ignorant; but i see moments of brilliance all the time.
when i see this though, i try to reach out. but then it seems to get lost when i don’t hear back from people. and again, i wonder what i am doing wrong. and it makes me want to withdraw. and when i make the decision to do that, another spot of brilliance occurs. and the cycle continues…
people tell me i need to just continue to ‘be myself’. but what exactly does this mean, when i AM being myself, and then people tell me i’m doing too much? i take being a student VERY seriously. this is something i give a billion percent to. no, it is not at the expense of other things in my life, but to give a billion percent to something- to commit yourself to something where it’s firmly placed in the centre of your life… i’m not exactly sure if people look favorably upon that. this is a specific relationship you have committed yourself to. this type of focus is not encouraged in our fickle society. and so i always end up feeling bad.
ironically, the person who was in the ‘military camp’ dream said to me recently, with words similar to this: “one thing you can learn from your teacher is that your teacher never slowed down. and now he’s not here.” when she said that i instantly thought of something you said, in relation to doing what you did at an older age:
“The truth is, umm, no. Not the way James Brown did, or Jackie Wilson did, where they just ran it out, they killed themselves. In my opinion, I wish [Brown] could have slowed down and been more relaxed and enjoyed his hard work.”
but then you also said this (in relation to you being on MTV and the lack of rotation for black artists):
“it broke my heart, but at the same time it lit something. i was saying to myself, ‘i have to do something where they… i just refuse to be ignored.'”
“i give my all to my work. i want it to just live.”
all i want to do is show people how you were “writing… songs to open up people’s consciousness,” and how you “wish(ed) people would listen to every word.”
inevitably due to my frustration in not having your teachings heard i want to not interact with people. my favourite times are when i am alone with my cat friend, or when i am riding my bicycle amongst the crickets and robins. i know though, that if what i have learned, and am continuing to learn from you (as well as share the humanity of your teachings and life) is to be applied, i must be persistent. i wholly and freely admit that i am far from being the greatest student. i struggle immensely. because times are urgent.
how exactly do you rest or compromise, when you are doing your best to be a student? when you are committing yourself to study? when you are perfecting your craft? is it truly possible to be married to your work, and sit back and “enjoy your hard work”?
i also couldn’t sleep really, because something my sister said to me the other day remained in my mind… we were talking about the AEG contract which you signed, which i maintain is a death sentence, according to the research i’ve done. the dubious means by which AEG set up these shows astonishes me, how many somehow ignore the fine print and choose to look at the end result.
this is what cory rooney (who worked for sony) said about you:
“he’s always so eager to please. he was so eager to please that he kinda over-thought a lot of things.”
i think about this in the context where people tell me i think too much. what exactly is thinking too much though? is it just that people are not COMFORTABLE with this focus? are there people who REALLY think too much? according to rooney, you told him that you not consuming food or liquids during rehearsal was not a matter of you “doing it on purpose. it’s just something (you) don’t think about anymore… (you’ve) just become so driven that (you) can’t even think about these things anymore.” apparently it got so bad that “they made (you) wear an IV last time.”
there’s so many gray areas in your transcendence, it’s difficult to even know where to begin, or speak to… with that, my sister told me that, if i am to be as serious in my studies as i would like to be i need to not examine what was to be your final set of shows partially; i need to look completely at the set of clips which have been compiled into a movie- ‘this is it’. i grit my teeth as she said this, but ultimately i suppose she is correct.
i couldn’t sleep thinking about it. just the thought of even watching those images emanating from the screen upset me. the words of randy phillips- the face of AEG live, gnawed at my brain: “surviving the press conference was the first step. we’ve a three-year plan for michael jackson and if it all goes well we will gross $400 million in total.”
in light of the contract you signed to do the shows (which can be found online); the daily beast (http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-06-30/jacksons-final-panic/) reported some of the stipulations; some of these stipulations have been suppressed by most media organizations:
“It’s also clear, based on a half-dozen sources in Jackson’s business and financial entourage, that Jackson desperately wanted out of the commitment to 50 concerts, which were to be held at London’s O2 Arena. Earlier this month, only weeks before his death, someone in the Jackson camp, presumably with the singer’s blessing, leaked information that the pop star was “reportedly fuming” at the expanded concert schedule and pace and demands of preparation.
But as fast as the money came in, Jackson spent it. His major asset, his music catalog that included the Beatles songs, was half owned by Sony, and his portion had so many liens and loans against it that it could take a probate court years to unravel its real value. By November, the Jackson confidant says, the pop star was given an ultimatum by his advisers. Either commit to the London concert tour or have creditors seize whatever assets he still prized.
Behind the scenes, AEG and Jackson’s financial advisers had evidently worked out a deal that required the pop star to do more shows. When Jackson learned of that after the press conference, it kicked off several days of stormy meetings, with Jackson at times threatening to balk at doing any. Jackson, as usual according to those who knew him, had failed to grasp all the obligations of the financial arrangement he had entered. Five days later, on March 10, a brief press release added 11 dates to the 10 that Jackson had already announced. The next day, the number of shows expanded to 45, and would soon be 50, extending into February 2010. The shows were scheduled so Jackson had at least one night off between each, and AEG released a statement that Jackson was in “tremendous condition after a battery of tests.””
i think of the media onslaught AEG has put out, in response to anyone who challenges them. AEG uses the contentious relationships you’ve had with people such as raymone bain and your father to sway public opinion into making them look like the ‘bad guys’, even though they have valid points about the intentions of this corporation. your mother was silenced (and paid off) against speaking out by the people running your estate (people who have history with sony and sign backroom deals with AEG) because havenhurst would have been repossessed and put on the market. there is NO amount of money that should sway that woman. your life is not worth being financially silenced over.
randy phillips claimed that on 11 march of 2009, you phoned him, and you said: “randy, randy, no more shows… no more shows.” in an interview done with on sky news, phillips stated that you were “choked up” at the news of all the shows. i also recall in an interview with the head of a fan site (MJJC, i believe) where he claimed you asked him how many more shows you had to do. phillips opined, you may as well get a visa; and you cried. how he worded it was important to note, as he was careful. he made a poor attempt at making your grief sound like happiness. “if mike gets too nervous to go on, i’ll throw him over my shoulder and carry him on stage. he’s light enough.”
that leads to the claims (which i initially saw in an issue of rolling stone immediately after your transcendence) that kenny ortega had to help you up the stairs, chop up your food and feed you. these claims were immediately refuted by folks at AEG. is it the case that phillips then claimed that you in fact were not aware of the extra shows being added? “the truth is our deal is in phases and the only phase he agreed to is london.” if this statement was indeed said by phillips (amongst all the other statements) this could be used against AEG. amazingly, the members of your family have not presented this to the courts, instead focusing on what happened with conrad murray. i can guarantee you, AEG would win the case in two seconds with that argument, as they already have the convincing claim of you insisting that murray be your live-in doctor (which is actually true) and that you had a painkiller addiction (which is also true).
ironically there was a rumor going around that frank dileo (michael’s ex-and then supposed returning manager) controlled the MJJC site, along with TMZ (who, through their ownership by time warner has AEG connections). this is a response from gary taylor, who runs the mjjcommunity site:
“Dear Members and fans world wide
Today it has been brought to my attention through members and various forums and public domains something that is very damaging and slangerous to MJJC, its apparent a letter and lies are being sent by a certain group and its members for justice accusing MJJC of being under the control of a said Mr Frank Dileo or TMZ and being paid money to follow a certain path.
I will go on public record saying these accusations are absolutely ludicrously ridiculous and beyond all realms of reality.
Mr Dileo does NOT control MJJC, I do not KNOW Mr Frank Dileo nor have I EVER Spoken to Mr Dileo. MJJCommunity is under the control of no one other than myself and my dedicated team whom you can all see here on these forums, financially it runs solely on my server with payments made from both adsence and member donations.
To suggest anything otherwise is a pure fabrication and a lie.
Personally I am very disappointed as originally I thought they were the go to point for fans to seek justice for Michael in a hugely respectful and public manner, however given I now know some of the actions I question how far some will go given their intentions are to publicly destroy the credibility of a fan club of Michaels that honours him and celebrates his legacy, not to mention how we have cared for and supported the fans since his passing.
Gary M Taylor
President & Owner MJJCommunity.com”
some of the above quotes can be read in this video:
if i were your family i would utilize that contract and check the stipulations. i have a feeling though, that katherine (at least) may have gotten ready to do this, and was silenced. again, MONEY IS NOT WORTH HER SON’S LIFE!
according to the ‘and justice for some’ site (http://mjandjustice4some.blogspot.com/2010/06/peter-lopez-suicide-or-murder.html):
“MJJ Timeline states that on August 7, 2006, Raymone Bain stated that “in what could be one of the biggest conspiracies in the entertainment industry, documents have been sent to Michael Jackson, and his representatives, which reveal a deliberate plan by some former attorneys as well as associates and advisors, to force Jackson into involuntary bankruptcy. The documents reveal that FORMER ATTORNEYS actively solicited other attorneys, vendors and creditors to ‘join in a petition to place the client in involuntary bankruptcy.’ …Based on the timing of the events that have impacted his personal and professional life in recent years, he has long been suspicious that some of them that he entrusted to act on his behalf, and to advise him with respect to his personal and business affairs, may not have always acted in his best interests.”
this is where peter lopez stepped in. and now he’s no longer here on this earth either. due to a gunshot to the head. whenever i hear the word ‘suicide’ or ‘accident’ these days, i become suspicious. william cooper, paul wellstone, j.h. hatfield… these are people who worked to expose the system. and ended up paying for that with their lives. could this be possible with peter lopez (who worked with you after john branca, the head of the fake estate), or with you?
with that, must i swallow a bitter pill and take my sister’s advice? if so, i need to have a serious spiritual cleansing, before, and ESPECIALLY after the experience.
there’s still so much work to be done… i am doing my best. there is such a fine line between freedom and groupthink/mental slavery; i choose freedom but i still struggle with what that means. is being a student of yours ultimately an inescapable binding of disappointments, since (as long as branca, sony and AEG are in the picture) there may never be closure in your transcendence? also, in a world which is slow to recognize your true teachings (which are centuries old), is it worth it to try to communicate with the masses when they don’t appear to listen? i want to be hopeful, i really do- and that hope requires action. but i receive so much rejection.
you provided such a force which resonated with the world. you opted to change it- in many ways you were uncompromising in your messages. i also know that in many ways you were met with disappointment as well. ultimately the commitment you had though, led to your physical demise, as your messages became more and more urgent. they may have placed stipulations in the contract, but there was something political going on. everything leads to you being silenced. with that, with the frantic phone calls you made, fearful for your and your children’s lives, was it commitment to your work which ultimately kept you going?
am i doing the right thing?